It Was Like This
by angelofplottwists
Summary: Parody of the important scene of each book. Utter mockery all around, and slash. Hesitant rating for implications and drug mentions. And language...
1. Kinky DADA Teachers In Funny Hats

I had a sudden urge to rewrite the big confrontations in all the HP books. So we start with Philosopher's Stone. Mainly parody, a _lot_ of innuendo (explaining the rating), slash (Quirrel/Harry in this one…), abuse of OMG and WTF (I'm no good with these terms…), and drug references…I'm sure you're all wondering what I was on when I wrote these. It's energy drink. You do NOT want to see me on energy drink. I get high. I have hangovers afterward, too…

Anyway…here it is. Characters not mine, although the parody idea might be. "Emoificus" belongs to Colin, Laurel, and I. "Slashify" is mine, and "Gothica/Gothicus" is Colin and Daniel's respectively. (I don't think these apply yet, but they will. Eventually.)

If you can pick up various quotes from various shows/movies, all the better for you.

* * *

**Harry:** And I will walk through the fire…there's Snape…OMG it's Quirrel! Snape didn't kill you! 

**Quirrel:** No, he only an – never mind! Point is, I'm evil.

**Harry: **OMGWTF

**Quirrel: **The Mirror…you get stoned by the mirror…

**Harry: **I think you mean "The Stone is in the Mirror."

**Quirrel: **Well, aren't we Mr. Know-It-All?

**Harry: **Hermione's fault.

**Quirrel:** Now, how do we get the Stone? Or get stoned...either works...

**Voldemort: **_Use the boy…_

**Harry:** Please don't mean that like I think you did…

**Quirrel: **Come here, boy…

**Harry: **Damn.

**Quirrel: **Now just face the Mirror…

**Harry: (**_is Stoned)_

**Quirrel:** It burns, it burns!

**Harry: **Take this, you evil pedophile!

**Voldemort: **I am surrounded by idiots.

**Quirrel:** (_burns and dies)_

**Harry: **You fail!

**Voldemort:** FREEEEEEDOOOOOM!

**Harry: '**Damn' the sequel. (_passes out)

* * *

Never fear, there is more to come! _

_Once, a reader like you reviewed. SlashyKitty (only it was AOPT there) explained there would be a slight delay due to lack of betas. Someone didn't review, and therefore didn't find out, and spent the next month really pissed off at Kitty. She sensed this, and to amuse herself, made the wait longer._

Moral: Review.


	2. Fawkes Sings Rock

And the second!

Um...Language content: unsuitable for kids. Implications. Mentions of strange kinks. Mentions of Voldie/Dead!Harry. Fawkes sings U2.

* * *

**Harry: **La la la, I _love_ dark scary sewer/dungeons!

**Tom: **Yeah, me too. But I'm mental, so I don't count.

**Harry: **It's the journal dude!

**Tom: **OMG Harry, can I like have your autograph?

**Harry:** Any more autographs and I will suicide.

**Tom:** My evil plan is - I mean, what a shame. What a horrible, _horrible_ thing to happen to you.

**Harry:** Somehow I detect a lack on sincerity...probably something from Lockhart's memory charm.

**Tom: **_(to himself) _No it's not. Note to self: recruit this Lockhart dude.

**Harry: **Ew, there's all this gunk on my robes!

**Tom: **Think about it. I've been down here a while...locked up all alone, what would _you_ do?

**Harry:** I AM DISTURBED.

**Tom:** Oh, by the way, I'm that psycho out to kill you. Reincarnated.

**Harry:** OMGWTF

**Basilisk: **Preeeeciouuuusss...

**Voldie/Tom: **IT'S...IT'S...IT'S ALIVE!

**Harry: **Dare I say: I AM DISTURBED. AGAIN.

**Tom: **Damn right, bitch!

**Harry: **I seem to be screwed. Again.

**Fawkes+Sorting Hat:**CHAAAAARGE!

**Voldie: **CHEEEEEEECK!

**Harry: **Somehow the moment of safety promised by these tokens of Hogwarts fails to reach me.

**Voldie: **Big words for a doomed schmuck.

**Fawkes: **I tawt I taw a puddy tat!

**Basilisk: **Meow, baby, meow!

**Voldie: **No! The boy! NOT the plot device!

**Harry: **Voila! I pull out from a hat...a sword? Dammit, that's not a rabbit!

**Voldie: **My, Harry, what a large sword you have...

**Harry: **Stabbitystabstab. Die, die, snake-that-flirted-with-a-phoenix.

**Basilisk: **_(perishes)_

**Harry: **You fail!

**Voldie: **You're dying. Necrophilia time!

**Harry: **Dammit, I fail too.

**Fawkes: **I will sing...sing a new song!

**Harry: **I feel...cold...

**Voldie: **You are so off my friendslist, birdie!

**Harry: **Watch as I unwittingly destroy one of the sixth book's plot points!

**Voldie: **I'm _meeeeeeeeelting!_

* * *

Yeah. Not as good as the first. The third is better.

I love CAPSLOCK!Harry, just to let you know. If you hadn't guessed. And yes, at some point in each chapter Harry will exclaim OMGWTF because I say so. Nyeh.

I already got one flame, which I take as a good omen. Keep reviewing!


	3. Snape is Emo

Don't ask. Just don't.

Slash (this time Remus/Sirius), overdose on OMG and WTF.

characters are copyright the people who own them, and the Five Minute Slow-Motion Denial Scene is copyright Sevvie. Because he's emo like that.

(This was the first one I wrote, so it is a little different in style from the first two. Oh well.)

* * *

Originally, Harry Potter was to have died in the third book. But, seeing the potential for riots and mass suicide, the scene was altered to spare the lives of all concerned.

Let it never be said that obsession is not effective.

The original sketch was retrieved, and is as follows:

_(Sirius is in the Shack, hiding. Remus, not wanting to take any chances with the Wolfsbane as usual, steps in.)_

Remus: OMG Sirius!

Sirius: Blame the rat!

Remus: I know! I'm sorry I ever doubted you! (_"brotherly" hug commences_ )

Sirius: I should be apologizing, not you-

Snape: (_Bursts in, Snape fashion)_ I am Snape, the Potions Mahstah. I must stop him.

Remus:...

Sirius:...

Snape: Don't touch him, Black!

Remus: If this is another attempt to seduce me, the answer's no.

Sirius: SEDUCE? WTF?

Remus: I'm sorry, but I told you. I already have someone. It's Sirius.

Snape:(_five minute slow-motion denial scene)_ NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Sirius: Bastard.

Remus: I had to fend him off all year...poor guy has no life.

Snape: ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Remus: How can anyone keep something like that up so long?

Snape: ...Remus, I'm sorry. (_ties him up with wand_ )

Sirius: (_to himself_) OMG is he going to rape Remus? Only I get wrapped-up Moony! (_to Snape_) You have incurred the wrath of Sirius Black, which will be the last thing you ever-

Harry, Ron, Hermione: (_have found a passageway, and arrived in time to save Snape_)EXPELLIARMUS!

Snape: (_is in the way_)

Hermione: OMG, we missed!

Harry: My name is Harry Potter. You keel my father. Prepare to die.

Ron: OMG, is that Lupin? Don't worry, we'll save you...

Sirius: (_while untying Remus_) Everyone seems to be out to save your ass, don't they?

Remus: So it would seem...

Hermione: He's a werewolf! And wants to kill Harry too!

Ron: Which one?

Hermione: Lupin, you idiot!

Harry: (_headpalm_)

Scabbers: I'll be going now...

Remus, Sirius: (_point with wand_)

Peter: (_POOF_) Dammit...

Harry: OMGWTF

Hermione: I take it back...

Ron: I (_slept_) with you!

Harry: Please don't mean that like it sounded.

Remus: I would make a comment...but I can't really say anything...

Ron: Why's that?

Remus: (_kisses Sirius_) That's why.

Harry: (_dies of shock_)

Hermione: The time has come to angst!

Sirius: Uh...Harry? Hellooooo…?

* * *

Tralala... 

_Once upon a fangirl was bobbing along, minding her own business, when she came upon a fanfiction! She read it and quite enjoyed it, but forgot to review. The People Who Own The Copyright found out and killed off the fangirl's favourite character. The end._

Moral: Review.

Review-inducing story inspired by the wonderful writer _a_ _boy named maggie._


	4. Without References in OOCville

_I told you I'd update tonight. This one's probably slightly different, since my style's changed some in the past few months._

_you know the disclaimer and warning drill, or should by now. in addition: I was very politically incorrect. If you're the type who takes offense to rape being made light of, I suggest you read something else. It's merely a mention, but still..._

_also, Wormtail is reverse OOC to all the snivelling cowards I see.  
_

_by the way, I'm going by angelofplottwists now, instead of SlashyKitty. just so you know.

* * *

_  
**Harry**: Now that this trophy has mysteriously transported Cedric and I to a deserted and even more mysterious graveyard, I vote we should explore!

**Cedric**: Uh, it's Cedric and _me_, Harry. I thought _I _was the stupid one.

**Harry**: Uh…shut it.

**Wormtail:**_Very_ witty, Harry. Goodbye, plot device!

**Cedric: **But I'm a secondary main character…_(dies)_

**Harry:** Wait, I thought you were disgusting and cowardly!

**Wormtail:** It's discrimination, I tell you! Why would your father have befriended and trusted me if I was boring and disgusting? Why would I have been in Gryffindor if I were cowardly? THE PLOT HOLES ARE EVERYWHERE! Not to mention-

**Harry**: You just killed Cedric.

**Wormtail:** …You interrupted me.

**Harry:** But you killed Cedric.

**Wormtail:** I suppose I did.

**Harry:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

**Wormtail:** He had to die, he was a plot device.

**Harry**: …OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…

**Wormtail:** Really, Harry. You sound like Snape.

**Harry:** I stopped.

**Wormtail:** Anyway, I need your blood.

**Harry:** OMGWTF

**Wormtail:** Please and thank you. And the bone…

**Harry:** whimper

**Wormtail:** And…my…left…hand…AUGHPAINAGONY!

**Voldemort**: Oh, huzzah! My archnemisis, come to witness my rise from the undead!

**Harry:** whimper

**Wormtail**: painagonyhinthint

**Voldemort:** You don't _need _two hands!

**Wormtail:** I'm dying of blood loss!

**Voldemort:** Oh, very well.

**Wormtail:** It's shiiiiiiiny!

**V****oldemort:** Why do I even bother? Where's that Potter schmuck?

**Harry:** I'm not a schmuck…

**Voldemort:** No, you're an over-reckless idiot. My bad.

**Death Eaters:** Appears you forgot to call us…

**Voldemort:** Well, you're here _now_.

**Lucius:** Don't know why we bothered.

**Voldemort:** _(with an overly-cheerful smile)_ I do! Otherwise I rape your offspring and kill your wives.

**Harry:** Isn't it the other way around?

**Everyone Else:** Are you _mad_?

**Harry:** I should think so.


End file.
